


OnlyPhans

by bruhburbman77



Category: Persona 3, Persona 4, Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Gen, I regret nothing and everything at the same time, Memes, Multi, Persona 5 Protagonist is from Inaba, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Shitpost tbh, Texting, akechi is a jackass, chatfic, everyone is gay to some degree, gen because the relationships are just kinda there, i cant even write half the p3 characters, i just took my favorite ships and wanted to write a chatfic, i swear i didnt forget about half the PT its just hard to write so many characters, isnt anything super relationship heavy, just alot of references, p3 cast is here now, ren is extra as fuck, this is just a massive crossover chatfic, this is the result, totally didnt forget about the groupchat yu and rise made nope definetely not, why am i adding more characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29041746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bruhburbman77/pseuds/bruhburbman77
Summary: Skull: funny thing is, he dont got handsAnon: whatAnon: is that supposed to be a joke? What do you mean by ‘he dont got hands’Oracle: He means HE DONT GOT HANDSphansite ama chatfic thing inspired by thoughts and thieves, great fic i recommend it
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Sakura Futaba, Arisato Minato/Mochizuki Ryoji, Kirijo Mitsuru/Takeba Yukari, Kurusu Akira/Sakura Futaba, Male Persona 3 Protagonist/Mochizuki Ryoji, Mochizuki Ryoji/Yuuki Makoto, Niijima Makoto/Okumura Haru, Persona 5 Protagonist/Sakura Futaba, Suzui Shiho/Takamaki Ann
Comments: 87
Kudos: 256





	1. probably should've given this a chapter name earlier but here we are

3/4

“You guys should hold an AMA on the Phansite!” Mishima exclaimed excitedly to Ren. He just kinda looked at him skeptically.

“Are you serious Mishima? That is quite possibly…” Ren massaged the bridge of his nose in frustration. “...The single most brilliant thing I have ever heard. Lemme see if the others wanna do it!” 

**Joker:** everyone i have acquired a great idea from npc

**Oracle:** ooh what did he say

**Joker:** ama on the phansite, anonymous

**Oracle:** @everyone yoyoyo sick idea i say we do it

**Skull:** im down

**Panther:** uh, yes

**Queen:** If everyone else wants to, I see no problem with it.

**Noir:** I agree with Mako-Chan!

**Fox:** It may bring me artistic inspiration, plus people have been quite desperate for more of the thieves

**Joker:** mona agrees

“At least ask me first! But yeah, I do agree.” Morgana poked his head over Ren’s shoulder, and Mishima chuckled.

“He’s talking right now, isn’t he.”

“Yup. Just made a snarky remark.” Ren roughly pet Morgana, to his yelp and duck back into the bag.

**Joker:** now he actually agrees

**Oracle:** did you answer for him before asking him

**Joker:** yes

**Oracle:** fucking powerful

“Alright! Let’s get this thing started!” Mishima pressed a few things on his phone, and Ren checked the Phansite. On it was a large message, reading ‘Phantom Thief AMA at 11 am today, get in quick before the chat room fills up!”

“Mishima, it’s 10:50.” Ren looked at him deadpan.

“Ten minutes should be enough, right?” Mishima looked at Ren, worried that he had set the time too soon.

“To be frank, I’m insulted you set the timer that long. You’re talking to a guy who explained six months of his life in great detail in two and a half hours while on drugs, while fucking with the prosecutor!” Ren looked way too pleased with himself.

“Ren, that isn’t something to be proud of.” Mishima rubbed the bridge of his nose, confused at this man’s confidence.

“Nonsense. Now, I gotta get home for the AMA!” Ren started walking home as soon as he finished the sentence, without even uttering a goodbye. Mishima would almost be offended if this wasn’t a regular occurrence.

_______________________

**ADMIN:** alright everyone, the AMA will begin in one minute. I am merely posting the rules here.

1\. Memes are allowed, but please actually ask questions.

  1. Any questions, statements, or remarks about anyone’s name, address, or any other personal information is punishable by ban and Oracle’s wrath.
  2. Don’t be a piece of shit, no hate speech whatsoever. We don’t tolerate that. 
  3. NO REQUESTS! This is an AMA, the Phantom Thieves don’t want to think about work.
  4. This chat will not always be open, but the general forums will always be open for general discussion.



With that, let the thieves introduce themselves and the chaos commence!

**Joker:** im joker, the leader of the phantom thieves. he/him.

**Skull:** im skull, and will slap a mother effer. Male

**Panther:** Hey! My name’s panther, I cant wait for the questions! Female

**Fox:** Hello there, I am Fox. My pleasure. Male

**Queen:** I’m Queen, hello everybody. She/her

**Oracle:** wassup fuckers im oracle, resident gamer of the phantom thieves, she/her

**Noir:** Hello everyone, I’m Noir! I hope we get along, everyone! I am female too

**Joker:** Mona is currently incapable of communicating via text, so it’s joker again. I’ll translate anything he says into text here. He uses he/him

**ADMIN:** alright anons, time to unleash the floodgates.

**Chat has been opened by ADMIN**

**Anon:** IS FOX A FURRY

**Oracle:** YES NEXT QUESTION

**Fox:** What on earth is a furry?

**Anon:** fox is too pure for this hellhole we call earth

**Anon:** Why did you choose your codenames to be what they are?

**Joker:** thats actually an interesting topic

**Joker:** Skull, Panther, and Fox were named after their outfits

**Joker:** Mona was just more convenient

**Joker:** Queen, Oracle, and Noir chose their own nicknames for other reasons

**Anon:** and yours?

**Joker:** shit forgot about mine

**Joker:** its because i’m the teams trump card

**Anon:** ?????????

**Joker:** idk either, mona chose it

**Anon:** speaking of mona, why cant he type?

**Anon:** yeah tf up with that

**Skull:** funny thing is, he dont got hands

**Anon:** what

**Anon:** is that supposed to be a joke? What do you mean by ‘he dont got hands’

**Oracle:** He means HE DONT GOT HANDS

**Oracle:** he is handless

**Anon:** hOW WAS HE A THIEF IF HE WAS HANDLESS

**Joker:** unfortunately we cant disclose that as it is private information and may risk our identities

**Anon:** fair, if i saw some handless guy walking around id be suspicious

**Anon:** hey so what was the whole thing that happened when joker supposedly died?

**Joker:** please let me answer this queen

**Joker:** please please pleeease

**Queen:** fine i guess, its hopefully over and done with

**Joker:** yay :D

**Anon:** why do i sense impending doom and pure emptiness from that smiley?

**Joker:** so after being drugged and tortured for 36 hours

**Joker:** my homie

**Joker:** my bro

**Joker:** fuckin shot and killed me

**Anon:** your homie?

**Anon:** WAIT WHO SHOT YOU

**Joker:** wasnt even the worst thing to happen that day :)

**Anon:** JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAPPENED

**Oracle:** its a long story that only joker knows the full extent of, and would take two and a half hours to explain

**Joker:** three if you count my ranting about masayoshi motherfucking shido

**Anon:** ooh is it shit on masayoshi shido hour?

**Anon:** you guys hate him too?

**Joker:** i got arrested THREE TIMES because of that asshole

**Joker:** only one of them didnt scar me

**Noir:** I want to snap that bastard in two :)

**Anon:** christ joker

**Anon:** noir whAT

**Queen:** Can confirm, she giggled eccentrically when she said that.

**Anon:** is she a fucking sadist?

**Joker:** yes

**Skull:** totally

**Panther:** and queen loves it

**Fox:** If I had to guess, yes

**Noir:** Of course!

**Anon:** PFFT PANTHER’S ANSWER

**Anon:** WAIT ARE QUEEN AND NOIR LESBIAN

**Anon:** precious :clap:

**Anon:** alright who disabled emojis

**Oracle:** mwehehe get cucked anon

**Anon:** i like oracle now

**Anon:** QUEEN HASNT SAID ANYTHING SINCE PANTHER’S COMMENT

**Noir:** she has shut down and is just staring at her phone in disbelief

**Anon:** ASKFHUSDF THAT CONFIRMS IT

**Anon:** that actually brings up a good question

**Anon:** how many of you are dating?

**Oracle:** I’m with joker, queen and noir are together, and panther is with another girl

**Anon:** how many of you are gay

**Oracle:** practically everyone to some extent

**Joker:** can confirm, both me and Oracle have commented on a girl being pretty before at the same time, and same with a boy

**Anon:** who were they

**Anon:** spill the tea

**Joker:** shush anon, you shall never know

**Fox:** I’m AroAce, as I care too much about my art

**Oracle:** attracted to paint

**Anon:** so all the girls are gay

**Anon:** lets fucking gooooooooo

**Anon:** letsfuckinggooo.png

**Skull:** im the only straight one in the group except maybe mona

**Skull:** idk his sexuality

**Joker:** he says “what the fuck is a sexuality joker?”

**Anon:** is mona a shitposter?

**Oracle:** nah thats me

**Oracle:** promiseyouwontturnintoa1998toyotacorrola.mp4

**Anon:** why did you post a video of a cat turning into a car

**ADMIN:** alright everyone, one last question before the chat is closed for the day.

**Anon:** how are you acrobatically?

**Joker:** fantastic

**Skull:** it’s scary, the angles he bends at when he standing triple backflips

**Anon:** STANDING WHAT

**Anon:** AHDJSAD WHAT THE FUCK JOKER HOW ATHLETIC ARE YOU

**Joker:** save it for next time, we boutta head out

**Joker:** i need coffee

**ADMIN** **has** **ended** **the** **chat** **:)**


	2. Sleep deprivation and school stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon: anon, that isnt a mood, thats a mental health issue
> 
> Oracle: oh mood
> 
> Joker is sleep deprived

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a dumbass and uploaded it early

3/15

**‘ADMIN’** **has** **reopened** **the** **chat.** **Wreak** **havoc.**

**Joker:** welcome one and welcome all to the AMA part two, the day after white day addition

**Joker:** the phantom thieves are here to remind you that gender is a bullshit construct made to sell more bathrooms and dont smoke too much weed

**Oracle:** joker you didnt smoke any weed wtf

**Oracle:** but i agree fuck gender roles appreciate your S/O every day

**Anon:** i agree burn gender norms

**Oracle:** thank you

**Skull:** it is fucking THRE IN THE AM Oracle WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU RANTING ABOUT GENDER NORMS AGAIN

**Skull:** oh shit phansite

**Anon:** wait what the fuck i live in the same time zone as the PT?

**Skull:** to be fair a lot of people do

**Joker:** for the record y’all’re gettin sleep deprived joker rn so ask some deep philosophical questions and i will answer them

**Anon:** How do you know that god exists

**Joker:** i shot him with a .45 magnum

**Joker:** next question

**Anon:** wha

**Anon:** you killed god?

**Joker:** he was tryin to kill all yall what am i supposed to do, let him?

**Oracle:** can confirm

**Anon:** still, isnt god supposed to be good?

**Joker:** the only thing god did for me was erase me from existence, get my friend to shoot me in cold blood, and get me arrested three times

**Joker:** and give me ptsd

**Joker:** and several physical scars

**Joker:** fuck god

**Anon:** joker you ok?

**Joker:** in summary god is a bitch

**Joker:** and yes im fine

**Panther:** joker stop being a drama queen, it was a false god pretending they were a god

**Anon:** woah i just joined what the fuck

**Anon:** yeah same, Admin only just alerted us

**ADMIN:** i only just found out it was open

**Anon:** you opened it though???????

**ADMIN:** oracle what the shit why would you open the chat for sleep deprived Joker to talk in

**Oracle:** get cucked nerd, he wouldnt stop bothering me

**Anon:** we just gonna brush past the shit god has done to Joker?

**Anon:** i will suplex god for this man

**Joker:** tried it, he was too big

**Joker:** and metal

**Anon:** ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ we support you joker

**Anon:** do you need therapy joker?

**Anon:** YOU TRIED TO SUPLEX GOD WHAT

**Joker:** oh boy, _therapy_

**Joker:** have i got a great story about that

**Joker:** so my old thereaapaaaaaaadsadasd

**Anon:** what just happened

**Oracle:** I took Joker's phone because he’s gonna say confidential shit and or break down thinking about therapy, so that's it for tonight.

**ADMIN:** have a good night everyone, and oracle dammit tell me when you open the chat through my computer

**ADMIN has closed the chat due to Oracle’s threats**

___________________

3/21

**Oracle has blackmailed ADMIN into opening the chat ;)**

**Anon:** the funny thing is im not sure if its true

**ADMIN:** its true dont worry

**Oracle:** true

**Joker:** its true can confirm

**Anon:** aight lol

**Anon:** we doin serious questions or just meme questions or what

**Oracle:** whatever you want

**Anon:** where’s everyone else

**Oracle:** at school lmao

**Anon:** nerds

**Anon:** wait why arent you

**Joker:** whos to say im not

**Joker:** cowards

**Oracle:** im off school right now

**ADMIN:** our teacher dipped for a few seconds

**Panther:** god joker you’re fuckin stupid

**Joker:** you’re saying that to the guy who got top of his class because of shogi and burgers

**Anon:** what

**Anon:** where’s Mona?

**Joker:** he’s here with me at school

**Anon:** how is he learning without hands

**Anon:** we just gonna gloss over the whole burger thing?

**Joker:** he’s just here to keep an eye on me, he doesnt go to school

**Anon:** I’m not gonna ask because I’m not sure I wanna know.

**Anon:** how often do you guys see each other in person?

**Anon:** i mean with thief work aside, do you guys meet up and shit?

**Joker:** normally we meet up super often, but i recently moved away so that sucks

**Joker:** just me and mona like four hours away from the homies

**Oracle:** please never call us ‘the homies’ again

**Joker:** no

**Anon:** funniest school story

**Anon:** now

**Joker:** BOY DO I HAVE A FEW OF THOSE

**Joker:** gonna mute the chat to let these all lose

**Joker:** one time my teacher said “these phantom thieves are wack” and proceeded to teach us about how wack comes from thieves cant

**Joker:** one time a teacher chucked chalk at me for daydreaming, i dodged it, and it hit the guy behind me dead on

**Joker:** my man didnt deserve it, he never snitched on me for makin shit in class

**Joker:** another thing, i made lockpicks, molotov cocktails, tasers, magatamas, bombs (not real ones)

**Joker:** another time our school tried to get a therapist and he ended up becoming my snack dealer

**Joker:** goro akechi nearly choked on something spicy once at our school festival and walked off like he had a stick up his ass

**Joker:** one time some first year at my old school set a trashcan on fire and nearly burnt down the practice building, giving us a week off of school

**Joker:** now we’re getting to the good shit of my old school

**Joker:** another dude gorilla glued a teacher to his chair, and gorilla glued the chair to the floor

**Joker:** everyone in his class just fuckin left

**Joker:** some dude duct taped me to a wall overnight once because i was ‘a nerd’

**Joker:** that same dude goes to my current school and just tested positive for at least one STD this morning

**Anon:** HOLY FUCK THE OLD SCHOOL STORIES

**Anon:** Joker: lamp oil, rope, _bombs,_ you want it my friend?

**Anon:** I S:PIT OUT MY DRICJNK

**Anon:** what the genuine fuck joker are you good

**Anon:** yeah we just gonna ignore that joker got DUCT TAPED TO A WALL OVERNIGHT,

**Oracle:** you never told me about the duct tape one

**Joker:** only remembered it today because of the news that he got an std, likely more

**Anon:** would like to point out that joker made BOMBS in CLASS

**Anon:** AND DIDNT GET SNITCHED ON

**Joker:** shoutout to the guy with the green pencil case, never snitched on me

**Joker:** probably because he was scared of my therapy cat

**Anon:** WHAT

**Joker:** oh yeah 

**Joker:** i have a therapy cat

**Joker:** only reason i haven’t fuckin leapt out a window

**Anon:** oh mood

**Anon:** Joker are you alright?

**Anon:** anon, that isnt a mood, thats a mental health issue

**Oracle:** oh mood

**Anon:** NOT YOU TOO ORACLE

**Joker:** oh mood

**Joker:** the amount of times i have said that to her

**Joker:** after she turns on me in arguments with mona

**Oracle:** thats because he’s right you know

**Joker:** i cant escape this

**Anon:** oracle do you have night vision

**Oracle:** yes

**Joker:** that confirms the question, do midgets have night vision

**Anon:** suidfshoidfjl WHaT

**Anon:** ORACLE IS SHORT?!

**Joker:** very

**Anon:** lul midget

**Oracle:** at least i’m not named steve

**Steve:** im not named steve tho

**Steve:** well shit im steve now

**Anon:** anons can get nciknames?

**Anon:** nciknames lmao

**Oracle:** now they can

**Joker:** fuck my teacher’s comin back i gotta go, later

**Joker:** admin close the chat quick

**Oracle:** he is currently in class joker

**Joker:** then you close it

**Oracle has closed the group chat. Bye bye steve :)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna start writing more of this terrible garbage


	3. Some real Inaba bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren: sorry was out walking the guide to the trickster created by god’s puppet
> 
> Futaba: stop calling him that every single time you would refer to him as a cat
> 
> Ren: sorry habit
> 
> Futaba: YOU FOUND OUT THREE MONTHS AGO HOW IS IT HABIT
> 
> some actual real life shit, i know this isnt what you came for, but i need plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jesus christ why is this shitpost more popular than my other fanfic which i am putting like twice the effort into. speaking of that one, update to that should be coming relatively soon, just got sidetracked with life.

3/25, phantom thief group chat, like ten pm

**Futaba:** rennnnnnnnnnnnnnn

**Ryuji:** reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnn

**Ann:** reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn

**Ren:** holy shit what

**Ren:** i can excuse futaba because i love her but what the fuck is y’all’s problem ryu, ann

**Ryuji:** y’all’s lmao

**Ryuji:** anyway ann needs your assistance and you werent responding to her calls

**Ren:** sorry was out walking the guide to the trickster created by god’s puppet

**Futaba:** stop calling him that every single time you would refer to him as a cat

**Ren:** sorry habit

**Futaba:** YOU FOUND OUT THREE MONTHS AGO HOW IS IT HABIT

**Ren:** live fast die young, already died twice so im getting pretty close if you ask me

**Futaba:** why am i dating you

**Ryuji:** wait what

**Ren:** love you too

**Ren:** anyway whats up

**Ann:** you live in Inaba right?

**Ren:** yeah why

**Ann:** was researching murders for a shoot and i went down a rabbit hole

**Ann:** have you ever heard of the whole murder kidnapping case that went down there

**Ren:** yeah like five years ago

**Ren:** the year after was the best year of my god damn life, i remember that

**Ann:** there was a murder kidnapping just a year ago

**Ren:** yeah but i made friends for like the first time ever so that was neat

**Ann:** ren there was a serial murder kidnapping

**Ren:** fair point

**Ann:** yeah but apparently one of the victims was Risette, and nobody knows who solved the case?

**Ren:** what the fuck

**Ren:** no way

**Ann:** yeah, the idol

**Ren:** not what im what the fucking about i gotta go i’ll be right back

**Ann:** huh?

**Ann:** futaba track his phone

**Futaba:** already on it

**Ryuji:** wait im still stuck on the fact ren and futaba are dating

**Ryuji:** one sec my mom needs me

**Futaba:** oh fuck, forgot to tell the group officially

**Futaba:** casually said it in the AMA though

_____________________

3/25, late at night

**Ren:** *kicks open door* RISE

**Rise:** yup, whassup lil guy?

**Ren:** can we meet up for a bit? I wanna talk a bit

**Rise:** wait, you’re back home?! And you DIDNT see me immediately?! 

**Rise:** heck yeah! Tell me all about living in tokyo

**Ren:** alright, are you allergic to cats? I have one and i’m bringing him

**Rise:** not allergic, bring him right now! Where should we meet up?

**Ren:** shrine?

**Rise:** alright, i’ll grab yu since he’s here right now

**Alibaba joined the chat**

**Ren:** god damnit futaba

**Ren:** sorry rise, friend

**Rise:** how?

**Alibaba:** REN YOU DIDNT ANSWER ANY OF MY TEXTS HOW THE GENUINE FUCK DO YOU KNOW RISE

**Alibaba:** also hi rise, big fan

**Alibaba:** and ren, stop friendzoning me uwu

**Rise:** hi???

**Ren:** lets just meet up

___________________

3/25, at a concurrent time, phantom thief group chat

**Ann:** any leads futaba?

**Ann:** futaba?

**Ann:** futaabaaaa

**Futaba:** what the genuine fuck is ren

**Futaba:** like how is he so fucking charismatic/lucky/cool at the same time

**Ann:** stop swooning over your bf

**Ann:** what happened?

**Futaba:** he’s asking risette to meet up

**Ann:** like, emailing her?

**Futaba:** no deadass texting her

**Futaba:** WHAT THE FUCK THEY’RE TALKING LIKE THEY’RE FRIENDS

**Ann:** WHAT

**Ryuji:** just got back whats happening why are we screaming

**Futaba:** REN JUST DEADASS IS FRIENDS WITH RISE

**Futaba:** alright he isnt responding to my texts im breaking in

**Ann:** FUTABA NO

**Futaba:** FUTABA YES

**Ren:** did you really have to do that to me

**Futaba:** i really had to do that to you

**Ren:** well i’ve gotta tell my childhood friend about my time in tokyo, see ya

**Ann:** WAIT SDJSFKSJDF HWAT

_________________

Ren walked down the dark streets, occasionally checking his phone for the time. The time was slowly approaching the time they agreed on, 11:15. As Ren sat down in the shrine, he looked at his phone.  _ Two minutes early, _ he thought. As he waited around talking to Morgana, a rustle of leaves shook the silence. Ren turned his head to behind the shrine, and saw nothing.

Everything around him got dark. Hiding in the bushes was a gold outline of a fox. Ren got up to approach it. As he got closer, he started to reach his hand out. The outline was still in the bush. Ren crouched down to part the leaves. His hand made its way into the leaves, and as it got down to about wrist depth-

“Heya Ren!” A high pitched, girly voice rang out. Ren was taken from behind by a large hug, breaking his concentration as the darkness lifted and the gold outline dissipated. Ren’s soul leaped out of his body in fear as the girl startled him.

“Holy shit Rise, you scared the hell outta me!” Ren grabbed his heart in panic. From behind Rise walked a familiar silver-haired boy. Ren put a hand to his forehead dramatically and faked falling back. “Oh, I feel the life draining out of my body, woe is me.”

“Yeah yeah, good to have Inaba’s resident drama queen back. How’ve you been?” Rise patted him on the back.

“Well, I came back with a plus one, so that’s cool.” Morgana hopped out of the bag and onto Ren’s shoulder, and Rise started to play with his cheeks.

“Damn you Ren, why does everyone you know pinch my cheeks!” Morgana yelped as his cheeks were toyed with.

“Sorry Mona, ya gotta put up with it.” Ren picked up the cat and held him against his chest, like a baby.

“Mona?” Rise questioned as she started to stroke the cat.

“It’s a nickname for him, his full name’s Morgana.” Ren turned his attention from Rise to Yu, and handed a less protesting Morgana to Rise. “Hey Yu, how’s it going?”

Yu went in for a hug, and Ren embraced him. “Great, how’ve you been.”

“Fucking great, I almost died multiple times and it was the time of my life.” Ren laughed during the hug. “Also my record’s been taken away and I got put in solitary for ten days, so that’s fucked me up slightly.”

“Damn kid, the city messed you up. Are you sure you’re alright?” Yu put his hands on Ren’s shoulders and gave him a concerned look.

“Yeah. Also, I wanted to ask you something Rise.” He turned to Rise who was holding Morgana incredibly close to her face. She looked up at him, still face in contact with Morgana’s.

“What’s up Ren-Ren?”

“So my friend was going down a few rabbit holes and ended up finding an odd case. I believe it was ‘Inaba kidnapping murder case’, and you’re one of the victims apparently.” Rise and Yu looked at each other. It was only a glance, but Ren could see the fear in their eyes. He continued. “I was just curious if you knew anything else about it, and wanted to check if it was true.”

Rise stood there, silent for a moment. She then regained her composure, and laughed a bit. “Yeah, just try to be quiet about it. Not alotta people know.”

“That’s surprising, seeing as… y’know-” he gestured at her. “Risette.”

“Yeah. Anyway, what the hell’s up with the whole solitary thing? Did you commit a crime?” Yu looked at Ren concerned.

“Unfortunately, the only people who can know the full in depth details are my specialized therapist, and he’s a bit…” Ren thought back to the whole dream world bullshit. “...what some would call weird. He tested some weird shit on me and my friends and I had to beat the sense into him. Got arrested and put in solitary for ten days because of it.” That was the story Ren, Maruki, and Sae agreed on.

Yu and Rise looked at Ren slightly confused. Finally, Yu spoke up. “Did you… literally beat sense into him?”

“Well yeah, he literally asked me to do it, and he punched me a bit back. It wasn’t his idea to get me arrested and he helped get me out of solitary.” Ren shrugged. “It’s whatev-augh!” Ren was cut off by Rise hugging him tightly.

“Oh my god, and you didn’t even tell us?! That’s terrible Ren, are you ok?”

“Jeez Rise, it isn’t that bad. I’ve handled much worse shit than solitary.” The three talked for a bit longer, and it resulted in the two making a group chat with him in it, along with the rest of the Inaba gang. Eventually, Morgana started to meow angrily.

“Ren! I’m tired, can we go home?” Morgana was clawing at Ren’s sleeve from his bag, and Ren scratched behind his ears, and picked up his bag.

“Well, Morgana’s getting on my case about going to sleep, so I should get going. It was nice seeing both of you again.” Ren waved, and as he walked away Rise called after him

“Wait Ren! Before you go, did you get anyone in tokyo?”

“You mean romantically?” Ren looked back confused.

“Yeah dumbass, are you still single?”

“Surprisingly no. Remember the girl who hacked into our chat?”

Rise stared at him blankly then facepalmed. “Ooh, that makes so much more sense. Well get back to your girlfriend, alright Renren?”

“Alright. See ya Rise, Yu.” Ren walked out of the shrine, leaving Yu and Rise standing next to each other. As soon as he was out of sight, Rise started talking without turning to Yu.

“You heard his cat too, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bent the rules of canon, if you enter the metaverse you can hear morgana. it ISNT LIKE THAT IN CANON because otherwise SAE WOULD BE ABLE TO HEAR HIM. THIS IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THIS.


	4. Whomst Thy Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon: oracle you’re dating joker whats some embarrassing shit about him
> 
> Joker: dont you fucking dare oracle
> 
> Oracle: SO THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME
> 
> April fools but scuffed as hell  
> I promise i'll release the next chapter of I can't decide soon im just stuck and have alot of these in backup so im posting these to pass the time

“No Rise, you’re going insane.”

“Aw, shuddup senpai! I know you heard the talking cat!”

4/1

**Joker has broken into the mainframe and opened chat**

**Joker:** WHATS UP FUCKERS ITS APRIL FOOLS

**Joker:** special ama today, we’re mixing it up and doing it again the exact same. It’ll be open for about an hour

**Anon:** any pranks you’ve pulled

**Joker:** no but there are rumors about every door at my school being rigged with a bucket of some liquid from the cafeteria

**Anon:** _oh shit_

**Steve:** why am i steve

**Oracle:** you are steve

**Steve:** steve

**Anon:** who lets oracle do this shit

**Queen:** i dont have the willpower to stop her

**Joker:** mona says “joker encourages it”

**Joker:** he isnt wrong

**Anon:** do you live in a society

**Joker:** that is the third time i have been asked that

**Joker:** TODAY

**Anon:** why is joker so active

**Joker:** i have jack shit to do other than wallow in self pity and mario

**Anon:** mood

**Anon:** what’s skull doing, he seems like a real one

**Skull:** consume food and bullying mona via video call

**Joker:** can confirm, mona is just fuckin around on a shelf while skull makes fun of him

**Joker:** its really funny

**Steve:** why did you choose steve for me, oracle?

**Oracle:** i was playing minecraft and am uncreative

**Joker:** not true, you built a flying dick from scratch in 20 minutes

**Joker:** you’re very creative

**Anon:** IM SORRY WHAT

**Anon:** what thef cuk is oracle on

**Oracle:** two hours of sleep and tutorial followed boyfriend coffee

**Anon:** oh mood

**Anon:** unrelated, but what do yall think of akechi? He was dissing you, then supported you, then disrespected a dead man on public television, then fuckin dipped from the public eye as soon as the calling card was sent to shido

**Anon:** oh, that bitch

**Joker:** honestly, i respect the hell out of him

**Joker:** he helped us, died for me twice, and despite betraying my trust is probably the most respectable man i’ve ever met

**Joker:** dont get me wrong, he’s done terrible things

**Joker:** mainly to us members of the phantom thieves, especially to Noir and Oracle

**Joker:** but we have all agreed that he has redeemed himself back to the point of being of neutral ground with us

**Joker:** we dont hate him, we dont hold him in the highest regards

**Joker:** he stayed true to his ideals until it killed him, striving for the happiness of others

**Anon:** holy shit

**Anon:** if the thieves respect him, then i wont hate him based on what he did to the thieves

**Anon:** wait is akechi dead?

**Joker:** i’m honestly not sure. I watched him die, but that doesnt mean he’s dead

**Anon:** _what_

**Joker:** what

**Joker:** i’ve died before, and im still here

**Anon:** IM SORRY YOU WHAT

**Anon:** whatthemcfuck.png

**Anon:** when did joker fuckin die

**Joker:** remember november 21st?

**Anon:** yeah?

**Joker:** yeah i got shot in the head and fucking died

**Joker:** not even the worst day of that week

**Anon:** WHAT THE FUCK

**Steve:** what the hell was the worst day of that week

**Joker:** the next morning, i started coughing up blood and it turns out my lung had collapsed from the torture, so that was fun

**Anon:** from the what

**Joker:** oh yeah, the cops never released that statement

**Joker:** i was tortured for like a day and a half, then i legally died and they said i killed a guard and committed suicide

**Joker:** anyway, couldn’t go to a hospital because i was legally dead, so just had my neighborhood clinic who was in on the phantom thievery try to heal several broken bones and a punctured lung

**Joker:** two days later we were tryna fuck up masayoshi shido

**Anon:** joker are you ok

**Joker:** im like the least fucked up phantom thief

**Oracle:** lies

**Oracle:** joker wont translate this but mona fuckin slapped him, called him a bitch, and said “no you aren’t you fucked up munchkin”

**Panther:** yeah no, you’re the most fucked up

**Skull:** much worse shit happened to you in a day than has happened to all of us combined in a year

**Joker:** oracle why would you tell them what mona did

**Joker:** the only thing that hurts more than my cheek is my trust in you

**Oracle:** can it drama queen

**Anon:** joker is a fucked up munchkin according to mona

**Oracle:** im writing that down in the notebook of pet names

**Oracle:** half of these are from mona

**Anon:** Notebook of pet names is a very wholesome sentence from the thief we just heard build a flying machine that was dick shaped

**Anon:** oracle you’re dating joker whats some embarrassing shit about him

**Joker:** dont you fucking dare oracle

**Oracle:** SO THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME

**Oracle:** joker fuckin passed out once while we were talking in my room, and only woke up after my dad knocked to ask me if i had seen him that day

**Oracle:** he passed out for an entire day

**Oracle:** one time he refused to get out of bed because it was cold, this was in early september btw and he looked like a munchkin

**Oracle:** we missed our train home from a date once because he spent forty minutes petting a stray cat

**Oracle:** he acts exactly like a cat, it is insane i swear to god

**Oracle:** one time i went to his room and he was just asleep in the rafters

**Oracle:** according to mona he was tired after working out and just fell asleep

**Oracle:** he doesnt like hands on his stomach, hates water, sleeps in the weirdest positions, and hates too much affection

**Oracle:** he will just shut down if like, more than 2 people show him affection at once

**Joker:** i swear to fucking god stop calling me a cat

**Joker:** you LITERALLY GOT EVERYONE TO CALL ME THAT

**Skull:** its true dude, you cant deny it

**Skull:** everyone agrees

**Anon:** holy shit why is joker precious and a cat

**Anon:** must protec

**Joker:** i am not a god damn cat

**Skull:** ok mona lmao

**Anon:** im not even going to ask why you called mona a cat denier

**Anon:** Fondest memory of school go

**Oracle:** none school fuckin blows

**Yusuke:** On one occasion my classmate tried to drink out of her water bottle and accidentally drank from her paint water

**Skull:** watching joker intimidate kamoshida and watching akechi walk around like he had a stick up his ass from eating something spicy

**Panther:** my school was pretty shitty, not really any fond memories

**Joker:** since i have to name one, i’d have to say being called a murderer and being harassed daily.

**Anon:** WHO HURT JOKER

**Joker:** Masayoshi Shido and the detectives who tortured me, why do you ask

**Anon:** oh shit sorry dude

**Joker:** nah its fine, im pretty much over itsfdgdhdf

**Oracle:** Mona tackled him, and he is not over it.

**Joker:** DONT RUIN MY COOL INTERNET PERSONA

**Joker:** LET ME LOOK COOL ON THE AMA

**Oracle:** NO

**Anon:** Joker don’t throw that word around, someone may get the wrong idea.

**Anon:** Also, apologies for the whole ‘Masayoshi Shido’ thing, for what it's worth.

**Joker:** ...

**Joker:** what.

**Oracle:** ...

**Anon:** wait wait wait what the fuck why is the mood dead

**Anon:** huh?

**Oracle:** ok mr sus dude gimme a second

**Oracle:** i swear to god if you’re who i think you are

**Sus Anon:** Let me make it easy on you.

**Sus Anon:** Delicious pancakes.

**Joker:** oracle where is he right now

**Joker:** i need to punch him

**Joker:** i am goign to kill this bitch

**Anon:** what the fuck is happening???

**Oracle:** you’re fucking kidding

**Oracle:** this is how you tell us?

**Anon:** ??????????

**Anon:** phantom thieves know sus anon?

**Sus Anon:** Happy April Fools, from Crow.

**Oracle shut the chat down**


	5. The "Slide Incident"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crow: Hello.
> 
> Joker: motherfucker at least say something about yourself
> 
> Crow: My therapist says I have homicidal tendencies.
> 
> Joker: NOT WHAT I MEANT
> 
> i will not elaborate on what the slide incident is... yet...

4/1, groupchat

 **Futaba:** @everyone WHAT THE FUCK CHECK THE FUCKIN PHANSITE

**Ryuji:** what the genuine eff oracle why did you ping everyone

**Futaba:** MOTHER FUCKIN

 **Futaba:** AJKECHI

**Ann:** what? Isnt he dead?

**Ren:** hey i topk rens pgone

 **Ren:** he;s freskinf oit

**Futaba:** morgana are you texting

**Ren:** yrs

**Ann:** what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

**Futaba:** even if he is alive, which if not we have a bigger problem here, how is he not in jail

**Ren:** Futaba.

 **Ren:** Where is he right now.

**Futaba:** ren im not telling you

**Ren:** Where the fuck is that bastard he made me think he was dead twice in two months

 **Ren:** i am going to bitch slap that pancake hating asshat and then hug jose

**Makoto:** Me and Haru just got out of a movie, what is happening here?

**Ren:** check the phansite

**Haru:** I thought Akechi-kun loved pancakes?

**Ren:** NOT THE POINT

 **Ren:** HE DIED TWICE HOW IS HE STILL ALIVE

**Futaba:** i am ordering pancake mix to his apartment

**Ren:** you know where he lives?

**Futaba:** i am not telling you ren

**Ren:** fuck

**Ryuji:** soooo we adding akechi to phansite ama or what

**Ren:** we add him to this group chat first, i need my solace

_Goro Akechi has been added by Futaba_

**Goro Akechi:** Took you long enough.

**Ren:** fuck you

_Goro Akechi has been banned by Ren_

**Futaba:** understandable

**Ren:** ok got that out of my system, add him back

 **Ren:** and add sumire

 **Ren:** both to phansite

______________

4/2

**Phansite is open, welcome the new speakers**

**Joker:** welcome two new people here who worked with us for a bit, but aren’t phantom thieves. Crow has specifically requested not to be referred to in the same league to the phantom thieves, and thus isnt part of us technically. Neither is violet, who just assisted us with our last job. Introduce yourselves.

**Crow:** Hello.

**Joker:** motherfucker at least say something about yourself

**Crow:** My therapist says I have homicidal tendencies.

**Joker:** NOT WHAT I MEANT

**Violet:** Hello everyone! I’m Violet, She/her

**Joker:** like that, _crow_

**Crow:** Just open the damn chat before I snap you

**ADMIN has opened chat for anons, and is terrified of crow**

**Anon:** why does crow have homicidal tendencies

**Crow:** You should ask my therapist that, I personally disagreed with them on that

**Anon:** whats the backstory of the new two members codenames

**Crow:** Not a member, but I chose my nickname because it directly opposed my outfit. The purpose of the codename was to hide our identities, and yet some others named them directly off of their outfits.

**Skull:** yeah yeah mr pinocchio mask, it ended up looking like your outfit in the end

**Anon:** in the end?

 **Anon:** did crow switch outfits?

**Joker:** so crow basically betrayed us and was a bitch, and hid his identity. We knew that someone who fit his true outfit’s description was against us, so he hid his identity

 **Joker:** pretty smart move for an absolute tool of masayoshi shido

**Crow:** Joker, should I tell the kind anons about the “slide” incident?

**Joker:** you have the audacity

 **Joker:** i am gonna go back to jose and wish you out of existence

**Anon:** ?????

**Joker:** shhh you musnt worry dear anon

**Crow:** So shall I explain the slide incident?

**Joker:** you tell them that and I’ll tell them about delicious pancakes

**Crow:** Vow of silence?

**Joker:** vow of silence.

**Anon:** god damn it

 **Anon:** i wanted to hear about delicious pancakes

 **Anon:** hey joker, hows mona

**Joker:** im too lazy to translate so im just gonna let him try to type on my phone

 **Joker:** its gonna be fucking hilarious

 **Joker:** hello radmmnom person, iam greaf!

 **Joker:** i was right

**Anon:** does this count as making fun of a disabillity?

**Joker:** i dont think so, wanna ask mona some more questions with his shitty typing?

**Anon:** why dont you have hands

**Joker:** i wasd gibin this fiorm to asskist joker

 **Joker:** it was dur ti the odd circumstances of my creatin

**Anon:** _odd circumstances of my creation_

 **Anon:** sweet christ thats a mood

 **Anon:** how’s violet?

**Violet:** I’m good! I’m currently on break from training, so I can answer a few questions

**Anon:** Ooh, what training are you doing?

**Violet:** Gymnastics

**Anon:** whats crow doing

**Crow:** Trying to ignore the voices.

**Joker:** he’s kidding, he’s actually watching a movie and is in a really slow part

**Crow:** Oracle I beg of you why would you tell him this information

 **Crow:** There is a very high chance he will find me and beat me to death

**Joker:** please crow, im not that mean

**Oracle:** Pancakehatingasshat.png

**Anon:** fucking private dms lmao

 **Anon:** joker got exposed

 **Anon:** why does crow hate pancakes?

**Crow:** Joker if you bring up the delicious pancakes incident I will snap you.

**Joker:** well i’ve gotta go for completely unrelated reasons, totally not running for my life, see you all next time

**Joker is currently fleeing authorities (crow)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise i will upload another chapter of i cant decide i just kinda wrote myself into a corner but i really like how i took the story so i dont wanna redo it


	6. Catastrophic and unbearable puns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon: Is he a bear?!
> 
> Anon: i doubt joker would bring a bear to school anon
> 
> Anon: I’m a bear and I go to school!
> 
> Anon: wat
> 
> Anon: is mona a toaster because i’ll have you know im very good friends with a toaster
> 
> Anon: are we gonna ignore the anon that is a bear
> 
> motherfuckin bears

4/4

**Joker has opened up the chat because everyone is asleep and he is bored.**

**Anon:** what the fuck is up with mona? He just goes around with Joker and vibes, doesnt have hands, doesnt go to school

**Anon:** what the fuck is he, because it isnt human

**Joker:** first person to guess correctly gets a funny nickname

**Anon:** what the fuck joker just confirmed that he isnt human

**Anon:** Is he a bear?!

**Anon:** i doubt joker would bring a bear to school anon

**Anon:** I’m a bear and I go to school!

**Anon:** wat

**Anon:** is mona a toaster because i’ll have you know im very good friends with a toaster

**Anon:** _are we gonna ignore the anon that is a bear_

**Anon:** joker said something about having a therapy cat that intimidated green pencil case guy, who is the biggest homie

**Anon:** NOBODY IS GONNA COMMENT ON THE WHOLE BEAR THING?!

**Anon:** nah because mona denies the existence of cats according to skull

**Joker:** i nicknamed the anon that guessed it correctly

**Anon:** Is he a bear?!

**Anon:** Awwww…

**Nyah:** watch mona be a cat

**Nyah:** I FUCKING GUESSED IT LETS GOOOOO

**Anon:** HowdidyoudoinPEtoday.png

**Anon:** mona is a cat?

**Anon:** The phantom thief known as ‘mona’ is a feline?

**Anon:** One of the members of the group called “The Phantom Thieves”, the one in question being code named ‘Mona’, has the bizarre quality of being part of the Felis Catus genre of animals?

**Joker:** mon a cat.?

**Anon:** so we’re just gonna ignore the dude who claims he’s a bear?!?!?!

**Anon:** It isn’t a claim, it’s beary factual!

**Joker:** jesus christ you remind me of a certain teddy bear from my hometown

**Joker:** motherfucker would not stop making bear puns and i love him for it

**Joker:** fuck it im gonna say hi to him later today, thanks bear anon

**Anon:** You’re beary welcome!

**Anon:** bear anon please get better bear puns, your current ones are quite em- _ bear _ -assing to hear

**Joker:** im gonna go buy a tablet for mona to type on, will be back in like ~2 hours

___________

**Anon:** This is absolute Pandamonium! Simply Unbearable!

**Anon:** how the hell have you two been making bear puns for two hours

**Joker:** i am unfazed by the two hours of bear puns

**Joker:** mona now has a tablet and can type, albeit slowly

**Anon:** mona how the hell are you a cat

**Mona:** I am not a cat!

**Skull:** you are now tho?

**Joker:** hi skull

**Skull:** joker please save me they have been making bear puns for two fucking hours

**Joker:** @Queen moooom skull said fuck

**Skull:** WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

**Anon:** wait what

**Joker:** skull cant say fuck

**Joker:** its in his contract

**Panther:** SKULL WHAT THE HELL WHY DID YOU SAY FUCK

**Panther:** GET QUEEN IN HERE RIGHT GOD DAMN NOW

**Anon:** get the team mom, skull said the fuck word

**Queen:** What’s happening Joker?

**Queen:** I’m dead inside

**Joker:** SAJFDSLKFA WE KILLED QUEEN WHAT

**Oracle:** can confirm, was lurking and queen just fuckin shut off her phone and has buried her face in a pillow

**Mona:** i told you king kong would win instead of momzilla

**Mona:** you owe me tuna joker

**Skull:** I SWEAR TO FUCK MEOW MIX

**Anon:** FUCKING MEOW MIX IM DYING

**Anon:** did mona call skull a monkey

**Joker:** yes

**Anon:** is skull a monkey

**Joker:** he used to be

**Joker:** back when i was very good friends with him

**Joker:** now we’re very very good friends

**Anon:** ???

**Joker:** his powers used to manifest into a monkey, now the manifest into a pirate

**Anon:** are you saying you have the power of friendship?

**Crow:** Yes, and I despise it.

**Joker:** alright ace defective

**Anon:** oh god it follows me

**ADMIN:** one last question before we shut the chat down for the night

**Anon:** what is your opinion on jack frost

**Joker:** nice to me-hee-t you, ho~

**ADMIN:** OH GOD NOT THIS AGAIN

**ADMIN has preemptively put a stop to this bullshit before it spirals out of control**

_________________

4/4, Inabaspecter gadget

**Yu:** and that’s how I met a toaster

**Yosuke:** _why do you keep calling her a toaster_

**Yu:** she will burn your bread

**Yosuke:** SHE DOESNT EVEN HAVE A TOASTER FEATURE

**Yu:** that you know about

**Yosuke:** you are not going to convince me that she has a toaster feature

**Yosuke:** no way

**Yosuke:** she is a killing machine she does not have a fucking toaster feature

**Yu:** _that you know about_

**Ren:** i feel like i shouldnt interrupt but also i’ve just lurked in here for like two weeks soooooo

**Yu:** im gonna be honest i forgot you were in here

**Yosuke:** can ren know about ‘toaster lady’?

**Yu:** its fine

**Ren:** i have seen weirder than a toaster lady trust me

**Yu:** i'm not gonna probe that even though i could disprove you easily

**Ren:** so what you’re saying is that im right

**Yu:** im saying teddie is with me and im dealing with him right now

**Yu:** plus i need to keep some secrets

**Chie:** secrets what the hell are those

**Chie:** so i remember this one time when we met rise-

**Yu:** im gonna stop you right there before she comes in here and bitch slaps your ass

**Chie:** there was also this one time where she got drunk off ‘the atmosphere’

**Chie:** and thats how we met naoto

**Ren:** that's… impressive actually

**Ren:** genuinely think that’s weirder than some of the shit i’ve went through

**Chie:** there was also this time where yu made a a dick

**Ren:** ???????

**Yu:** please dont bring up the dick chariot again

**Ren:** what the fuck?!?!?

**Chie:** nothing renren, you musnt worry

**Yosuke:** god please dont remind me of dick chariot

**Yosuke:** i will never forgive that long nosed asshat for fucking that up and giving you  _ that _

**Ren:** long nosed asshat?

**Yu:** yeah, the dick chariot was a gift from a friend

**Chie:** he gave you an orb 

______________

4/4 ghost robbers

**Ren:** dickchariot.png

**Ren:** i think my friends from inaba know igor

**Ren:** and gave him an orb?

**Futaba:** oh yeah i remember that long nosed dude

**Goro:** Are you… are you friends… with Naoto?

**Goro:** Naoto Shirogane, the first detective prince?!

**Ren:** dont know about prince but yeah why

**Goro:** Why the fuck do you have so many connections

**Ren:** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYtjpIwamos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYtjpIwamos)

**Goro:** That answers nothing

**Ren:** WILDCARD BITCHES

________________

4/4, Inabaspector Gadget

**Yu:** maybe we should stop talking about igor

**Ren:** hey guys im back

**Ren:** WHAT THE FUCK YOU KNOW IGOR

**Ren:** I FUCKING KNEW IT

**Yu:** you know igor too?!

**Yu:** you know that would explain the talking cat…

**Ren:** YOU HEARD MORGANA?!?!?

**Yu:** yeah

**Yu:** you’re the phantom thieves?

**Ren:** uhhh

**Ren:** i plead the fifth

**Yu:** you also have a persona?

**Ren:** about that…

**Ren:** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYtjpIwamos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYtjpIwamos)

**Yu:** Nice to me-hee-t you, ho?

**Ren:** yada yada some bullshit about social links and the power they bestow

**Yu:** how’s igor?

**Ren:** only got to know him for a few months, but he’s alright

**Yu:** didnt you go to tokyo for a year

**Ren:** uuh about that yeah, igor was kinda imprisoned and he made my cat with his last dying wish, and then a false god took over his role

**Ren:** so yeah thats why 

**Ren:** turns out that false god also got me arrested because of shido, and the whole me getting murdered

**Yu:** you led the phantom thieves

**Ren:** yep

**Yu:** if i wasnt also a dumbass i’d ask how someone like you led such a large group without getting caught

**Ren:** haha yeah without getting caught…

**Yu:** oh yeah you got arrested twice didnt you

**Ren:** i’ve been arrested more times than i’ve died, but only barely

**Yu:** same

**Ren:** WHEN WERE YOU ARRESTED?!

**Yosuke:** haha yeah dont tell them yu

**Yu:** yosuke brought heavy weaponry to a grocery store

  
**Yosuke:** motherfucker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that anon is named for you nya, thanks for the idea of revealing mona is a cat.
> 
> also do i add p3 into this, made references but not sure if i should add characters


	7. Who's da man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon: WHO’S DA MAN?!
> 
> Da man: IM DA MAN!
> 
> Anon: ah, this is how we cope with our collective depression  
> Anon: screaming on an ama for celebrities.
> 
> skull gets confused about who the man is, and yosuke is gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn mf just went from writing super dark shit to this hellhole
> 
> hope you enjoy :)

4/6

**Skull has opened the chat because he’s bored in class**

**Skull:** dont slander my name its because the teacher left and you know it admin

**ADMIN:** i did nothing wrong idk what youre talkin about

**Anon:** we doing questions or just talking

**Skull:** both

**Anon:** WHOS DA MAN

**Skull:** YOU DA MAN

**Da man:** IM DA MAN

**Anon:** da man got a special nickname

**Anon:** Jesus christ this again?

**Anon:** you called?

**Anon:** SHUT UP   
**Anon:** SHUT

**Anon:** UP

**Anon:** YOU ARENT JESUS YOU EMO PRICK

**Anon:** that's what you think

**Da man:** he’s jesus

**Skull:** i feel like im missing out on a joke here

**Anon:** Ignore him he’s a dumbass

**Da man:** no im da man

**Anon:** WHO’S DA MAN?!

**Da man:** IM DA MAN!

**Anon:** ah, this is how we cope with our collective depression

**Anon:** screaming on an ama for celebrities.

**Da man:** look you have it way worse you’re dead

**Anon:** conversation for dms

**Skull:** i am so confused right now

**Anon:** im dead and this is da man

**Anon:** And I’m exhausted.

**Skull:** hi exhausted im skull

_______________

4/6, Inabaspecter gadget

**Ren:** soooooo yu

**Yu:** ren?

**Ren:** do you also have a magician?

**Yosuke:** god damn not this shit again

**Yu:** are you saying what i think youre saying

**Ren:** trading card game?

**Yosuke:** MOTHER FUCKING

**Yosuke:** YU WHY

**Yosuke:** THIS IS BULLYING

**Yu:** a sacrifice must be made

**Ren:** for the record mine is my cat

**Yu:** i take it back im keeping yosuke

**Yosuke:** im fucking touched that you decided not to TRADE ME for a GOD DAMN CAT

**Ren:** so yu

**Ren:** as a fellow wildcard

**Ren:** did literally every female you came into contact with have a crush on you

**Yu:** literally every female i came into contact with had a crush on me

**Yu:** including one dude

**Yosuke:** i will strangle you 

**Yu:** kinky

**Yosuke:** i am going to leap off a bridge

**Ren:** so i take it you and yosuke are… doing the sex

**Yosuke:** why’d you put it like that

**Yosuke:** im going to fucking leave

**Yu:** gn closet boy

**Yosuke:** im dead inside

**Ren:** join me in the closet :)

**Yosuke:** you knOW WHAT I WILL

**Ren:** so yu what was that about a toaster the other day?

  
**Yu:** oh boy you aren’t ready for this


	8. oh god oh fuck im running out of ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Skull: do you ever just look at someone and wonder: what is going on inside their head?
> 
> Joker: the wii sports resort intro music has not stopped playing in my head since i left solitary
> 
> more p3 bullshit, and the return of nyah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a problem, i like to post whenever i finish a chapter, so that makes schedules impossible for me. hope yall like my wack upload schedule also *squints* why does this shitpost have higher ratings than my actual serious angst fic like wtf i worked way harder on that smh my head
> 
> for real though, thanks for the support everyone. I really enjoy writing this, so im glad people enjoy reading it. thanks again (っ^_^)っ

4/7

**Joker has opened the chat, run wild childeren**

**Joker:** *slams desk* ALRIGHT WHERE’S THE TOASTER

**Anon:** in stasis rn sorry joker

**Skull:** _the toaster is in stasis what_

**Joker:** anyway me and oracle talked and alot of people who lurk here know how we roll so im just gonna weed them out

**Joker:** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYtjpIwamos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYtjpIwamos)

**Anon:** yeah i guessed lol

**Anon:** It would appear there is another.

**Anon:** I still do not get why you call me a toaster, however.

**Joker:** FUCKING KNEW IT

**Joker:** TWENTY BUCKS CHAD

**Chad:** damn

**Skull:** who tf is chad

**Chad:** im joker but older

**Chad:** in that way too

**Joker:** he’s a childhood friend

**Panther:** i hate everything why the fuck

**Joker:** i gave him an appropriate username

**Panther:** why is he a chad

**Joker:** remember me with women? Thats him but with a single dude too

**Joker:** i’ve been beat

**Anon:** at least you had a choice, anyone i became friends with wanted to date

**Anon:** damn highschool was wack

**Anon:** I am just so fucking confused, who is chad

**Joker:** chad

**Chad:** Ah, I remember my youth. I used to bound across fields and leap through mellows, before I took a garu to the knee. Now i murder gods using sick guitar solos

**Anon:** jokes on you i murdered death by t posing and having a dog backflip

**Joker:** I shot god in the head with a demon the size of a skyscraper

**Oracle:** is it bad that i believe all of this

**Chad:** what did toaster do?

**Anon:** no clue, my body was replaced by a  _ sturdy wooden frame _

**Skull:** do you ever just look at someone and wonder: what is going on inside their head?

**Joker:** the wii sports resort intro music has not stopped playing in my head since i left solitary

**Skull:** we’re shutting down the ama, we’ve peaked with our humor

**Skull:** everything from here on out is downhill

**Anon:** so who the fuck is the dude who’s body was replaced by a sturdy wooden frame?

**Anon:** i am god, do not doubt me

**Joker:** hey chad

**Chad:** hey joker

**Joker:** nice to me-hee-t you

**ADMIN:** JOKER I WILL FUCKING BAN YOU

**Skull:** who’s da man?

**Da man:** I’m da man

**Skull:** you’re da man… *wipes tear from cheek woefully*

**Nyah:** skull was right the humor has peaked

**Anon:** Skull please, dont enable him

**Anon:** I heard enough of this when I worked with you

**Anon:** what do you do to deal with stress PT?

**Skull:** working out and running

**Joker:** from your problems?

**Skull:** ye

**Nyah:** how cultured is joker

**Joker:** jackfrostplushiecollection.png

**Joker:** i am very good at crane games

**Anon:** _jesus fucking christ_

**Anon:** Joker tell us some stories

**Joker:** skull really wanted a motorcycle once because queen got one

**Joker:** this was when she first joined

**Joker:** idk what stories to tell, gimme some ideas

**Anon:** have you ever gotten in a fight

**Joker:** funny story

**Joker:** one time i threatened a groomer, another time i made an asswipe trip in a cafe and he threatened to sue

**Joker:** and  _ hoo boy _ did that give me flashbacks to shido

**Anon:** is your identity known?

**Joker:** uhhhhhh it is by the government

**Joker:** its pretty classified though so i’m really the only one who can disclose it

**Joker:** and the people who know it but aren't high enough up in the government to know it are already on the run from the police soooo

**Anon:** i thought the government was an asshole collectively?

**Joker:** it was but i have connections

**Joker:** and people are afraid of a nerd with godlike powers

**Joker:** alright one last question

**Anon:** how’s crow doing

**Crow:** I am suffering as I cannot legally get a therapist, because I tried to kill my last one in self defense after he nearly murdered me, violet, and the phantom thieves, in order to die.

**Anon:** why does everyone just accept crow’s violent tendencies?

**Crow:** fuck if I know, I offered to turn myself in

**Joker:** *begged

**Crow:** Joker I will shoot you again

**Joker:** aww im touched

**Mona has taken initiative and shut down the chat, go to bed**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "i have 4 chapters of this shit"  
> chapter 8  
> yeah i need to fix that but at the same time it just kinda seems like something to be preserved so im gonna keep it for the future generation of readers to experience


	9. Crow's rampant transphobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker: you are very transphobic crow
> 
> Crow: How?
> 
> Joker: your vibes are off  
> Joker: i detect transphobia
> 
> warning: crow is not rampantly transphobic in this chapter, he would never do such a thing

**Queen has opened the chat**

**Queen:** Hello everyone! Sorry that me and Noir haven’t been active lately, college came up. We have a break now however, so we should be able to be active

**Anon:** how’s your day queen, noir :)

**Queen:** it’s fantastic

**Joker:** i just fcuking walkde into a wakl and im dizzy

**Joker:** fuck wrong chat

**Joker:** im gonna go to nepal and drown myself

**Anon:** is joker always like this…?

**Queen:** Yes, Joker is always this scatterbrained.

**Queen:** He’s a mess honestly

**Anon:** mood

**Noir:** Answering the anon’s question before Joker walked into a wall, my day is fine. How’s yours?

**Anon:** well i watched joker walk into a wall so that was fucking hilarious

**Joker:** can confirm she watched me walk into a wall

**Skull:** joker please say you know who this is

**Joker:** its risette

**Anon:** heya everyone, its me risette

**Skull:** no it isnt

**Anon:** itsmerisette.png

**Skull:** was the “fuck you skull” sign necessary

**Anon:** always

**Anon:** Where did Fox go?

**Fox:** I am always here.

**Fox:** I keep this chat open while I paint, so that I get inspiration

**Anon:** ngl fox saying “i am always here” is fucking scary

**Anon:** ooh fox likes art? That's so cool, can you share some artwork?

**Fox:** Sure, yet I am not quite sure how to convert the artwork into digital form

**Anon:** woah a real painter, i havent seen real paint in forever

**Skull:** uhh, thats kinda depressing dude

**Anon:** i like how nobody is freaking out about risette being friends with the leader of the phantom thieves

**Anon:** oh yeah, we’ve been friends forever

**Joker:** can confirm, been friends since like 2008 I wanna say

**Joker:** back since the whole murder spree in the small urban town

**Joker:** that i did not orchestrate

**Anon:** somehow i dont believe that but im gonna let it slide

**Anon:** do the phantom thieves say trans rights

**Joker:** all of us do, yes

**Joker:** except crow he is very transphobic

**Crow:** Please don’t listen to Joker, he just started saying that one day

**Joker:** you are very transphobic crow

**Crow:** How?

**Joker:** your vibes are off

**Joker:** i detect transphobia

**Crow:** Joker, I went to a trans pride parade with you last week

**Crow:** Literally one of my best friends outside of the thieves is trans, and all 3 of us went together

**Joker:** damn friendzoned again

**Crow:** I am going to strangle you Joker

**Joker:** kinky

**Anon:** is joker always like this?

**Queen:** No, just with Crow. It pisses him off and Joker “needs revenge from november 20th”.

**Queen:** His words, not mine.

**Anon:** wat happened on november 20th

**Joker:** we dont talk about november 20th

**Crow:** Please don’t bring that up again

**Joker:** how did your failed assassination scar you more than me

**Crow:** Don’t. Bring. That. Up. Again. 

**Joker:** best buds

**Anon:** you ever just have a bunch of stuff you work really hard on and decide to publish one shitpost and that has like 3 times the following as the stuff you are proud of

**Oracle:** FINALLY SOMEONE FEELS MY PAIN

**Oracle:** PEOPLE JUST KNOW ME AS A SHITPOSTER

**Oracle:** BUT I ACTUALLY MAKE SHIT WITH PHOTOSHOP THAT LOOKS GENUINELY GOOD

**Oracle:** BUT EVERYONE ACKNOWLEDGES ME FOR DUMB SHITPOSTS I OCCASIONALLY MAKE

**Oracle:** THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP

**Joker:** it’s a cry for help isnt it

**Oracle:** its a cry for help ;n;

**Oracle:** also inari i can upload some art of yours if you want

**Fox:** That would be much appreciated, thank you Oracle.

**Oracle:** Inaripainting1.png

**Oracle:** Inaripainting2.png

**Oracle:** [ Inaripainting3.png ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPk-VhRjNI8)

**Oracle:** Inaripainting4.png

**Fox:** Thank you again, Oracle

**Anon:** damn thats… phenomenal…

**Anon:** fuck you oracle

**Anon:** what

**Anon:** OH MY FUCKING GOD

**Anon:** YOU’RE SHITTING ME

**Anon:** THATS THE FIRST TIME I’VE BEEN HAD IN 2 YEARS AND ITS DURING THIS

**Anon:** THE ART LET MY GUARD DOWN

**Oracle:** mwehehe gotem

**Fox:** I still do not understand that joke, Oracle.

**Oracle:** weirdo

**Fox:** Who are you calling a weirdo?!

**Oracle:** you

**Fox:** That is… quite hypocritical coming from you

**Oracle:** yeah fair

**Anon:** im gonna get my revenge on you oracle

**Anon:** prepare for ama wars episode III: revenge of the anon

**Oracle:** holy shit someone other than joker spoke my lingo

**Oracle:** what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

**Anon:** level up?

**Oracle:** LEVEL UP BABY

**Oracle:** Da-dada-da! Oracle has leveled up

**Da man:** *wipes tear from eye* i am so proud

~~**Da man:** hey minato when you coming back to iwatodai you’ve been dead for a while ~~

**Da man:** fuck wrong chat

**Oracle:** this is why we need a buffer guys

**Anon:** nice one stupei

**Da man:** ITS BEEN TEN YEARS

**Da man:** WE GOTTA LET THAT THING DIE, DUDE

**Anon:** oh yeah i am btw

**Anon:** hey joker did chad tell you

**Anon:** you and your crew are invited to this year's 'we killed god' picnic

**Joker:** yeah we should probably make a gc for this and not use the public ama, emo jesus

**Anon:** that would be wise but logic be damned

**Anon:** fuck nvm forgot the toaster can acess my phone whilst i am in the  _ door _ __   
  


**Joker:** explain later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have four chapters of this shit


	10. we killed god picnic (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Door-kun: and why i now bring swords on dates
> 
> Spooky prison child: you know minato, not all your problems can be solved with a sword...
> 
> Door-kun: which is why i carry two swords
> 
> p3 and more gay ships  
> im not addicted to homosexuality you are

4/12

**Renren has added 9 people**

**Ryuji:** wait ren did they already give you that nickname?

**Renren:** yeah lol thats why i liked it

**Renren:** reminded me of yuki, who is  _ an absolute sweetheart _

**Renren:** she isnt in this chat, i’ll introduce you to her later

**Ann:** who’s in this chat

**Akechi:** Why the fuck am I here Joker?

**Akechi:** Why aren’t we using codenames

**Spooky prison child:** hello!

**Not emo:** ignoring the new entrants,

**Not emo:** I haven’t seen you laugh in so damn long minato

**Door-kun:** probably because of how dissociated with my body after being a  _ fucking door _ for ten years

**Ace Defective:** can confirm, my mans walked into a pole and only noticed because i moved past him

**NEEERD:** Minato, that is not healthy. You need to see a therapist.

**Door-kun:** pfft im fine mitsuru i’ve only shot myself a couple hundred times

**Renren:** uhh can you guys explain something to my friends?

**Renren:** they’re kinda in the dark

**Toaster:** Yes, I think it would be best to introduce them to us.

**Ryuji:** uhh, thank you?

**Not emo:** yo im minako arisato, aka the happiest person from iwatodai

**Door-kun:** and the most obnoxious…

**Not emo:** can it bro, i know you love me for it

**Door-kun:** im minato arisato btw

**Door-kun:** blue haired emo prick

**Pink:** You aren’t that bad, Minato

**Pink:** Except for the fact that you disabled auto capitalization on your phone to sound more dead inside

**Pink:** We know you’re a softie, stop hiding it

**Door-kun:** shut it yukari i will go back to the door

**Pink:** no pls dont

**Pink:** btw i’m Yukari Takeba, nice to finally meet the phantom thieves

**Ace Defective:** yo, im Junpei Iori

**Ace Defective:** also YUKA-TAN CHANGE MY NAME BACK

**Pink:** No lol

**NEEERD:** Hello, I am Mitsuru Kirijo.

**NEEERD:** Also, Minato, change my name back.

**Door-kun:** why its true

**Door-kun:** had to be top of my class to interact with you outside of SEES

**NEEERD:** Anyway, Ken, Akihiko, Ryoji, and Fuuka are away right now so they may not be able to answer right away

***gasp*:** who said i was away?

***gasp*:** hey everyone, im fuuka yamagishi

***gasp*:** anyway i was busy so im gonna leave

**Toaster:** Shall I introduce myself, Mitsuru?

**NEEERD:** That would be best, I thought you did already. My apologies.

**Toaster:** It is alright.

**Toaster:** Hello Phantom Thieves, I am Aigis. I am a weapon created to hunt and kill shadows.

**Futaba:** woah woah woah wait up a minute

**Futaba:** you’re a weapon??

**Toaster:** Yes, I was created to destroy shadows.

**Futaba:** does that mean you’re an AI?

**Toaster:** Yes.

**Futaba:** woooooooooooah

**Futaba:** ren how do you know these people

**Toaster:** Ren, is this the one you were talking about?

**Renren:** yeah

**Renren:** go wild futaba, she’s cool with questions

**Renren:** just...take it to a private chat

**Futaba:** alright fine but yay thank you

**Akechi:** What was the point of this again?

**Not emo:** HEY @Door-kun I FOUND ANOTHER DEPRESSED FRIEND FOR YOU

**Door-kun:** fuck off i was cuddling w/ ryoji

**Not emo:** TMI GO BACK TO BANGING OR SOME SHIT

**Door-kun:** if you insist

**Not emo:** PLEASE DONT IM IN THE ROOM NEXT TO YOU

**Door-kun:** alright fine

**Ryuji:** wait just a minute, so we dont get confused, you arent talking about me right?

**Door-kun:** no i am just very gay for death incarnate

**Ryuji:** w-was that a joke?

**Renren:** nah i’ve seen them

**Renren:** pretty cute together ngl

**Ryuji:** wait wait wait does he just look like death incarnate?

**Door-kun:** ren told me he could summon thanatos, right?

**Ryuji:** y-yeah?

**Door-kun:** yeah that was ryoji

**Door-kun:** also fuck you ren for weaponizing my bf

**Ryuji:** does he look like that always??!

**Door-kun:** not always just whenever he wants to intimidate some poor fool

**Door-kun:** did it to some dude who mugged us once, best reaction i’ve seen ever

**Renren:** isnt that how you met yu’s group?

**Door-kun:** yeah, aigis freaked tf out about teddie and nearly shot the poor bear

**Door-kun:** nao almost fuckin shot aigis, then ryoji panicked and did that shit

**Door-kun:** yu just stared at me with eyes apologizing for his group, as did i

**Door-kun:** and thats why we dont let aigis third wheel anymore

**Toaster:** I am very ‘annoyed’ about this

**Futaba:** heyheyhey, get back here, im not done analyzing your code and software yet

**Door-kun:** and why i now bring swords on dates

**Spooky prison child:** you know minato, not all your problems can be solved with a sword...

**Door-kun:** which is why i carry two swords

**Pink:** You’re a gay dork

**Door-kun:** you’re a lesbian dork

**Futaba:** alright im back from

**Futaba:** WHAT THE FUCK YUKARI TAKEBA IS IN THIS CHAT?!?!

**Pink:** Featherman fan I presume?

**Futaba:** feathermancollection.png

**Futaba:** i fucking adore the franchise

**Pink:** Oh boy can’t wait for Yu’s reaction

**Pink:** If we ever see each other in person, I can sign one of the pink figures for you

**Akechi:** I did not know Feather Pink was in the chat.

**Akechi:** …

**Pink:** Why did you just dm me asking for an autograph, detective prince?

**Akechi:** I want to die

**Renren:** oh yeah goro’s a huuuuuuuge featherman fan

**Akechi:** Ren I will break you

**Pink:** Well it’s getting rather late for us, so I’m gonna go to bed

**Door-kun:** yukari tis literally three am

**Door-kun:** why are any of us up

**Door-kun:** why was mitsuru up?

**Pink:** uuh about that she kinda passed out on me after bitching about how much she missed you

**Pink:** Go talk to her tomorrow

**Door-kun:** but i need to be gay with ryoji

**Door-kun:** no homo tho

**Pink:** Did it sound like I was asking arisato

**Pink:** But fine, i’ll grab Minako instead

**Futaba:** ngl i just processed that yukari takeba just offered to sign my feather pink miniatures and i dont know how to feel

**Renren:** yukari pls dont break my gamer gf

**Renren:** im lonely

**Ryuji:** i will drive over to you and hug you no homo

**Renren:** you cant drive

**Ryuji:** i will run

**Renren:** no

**Author's Note:**

> i have four chapters of this shit


End file.
